Events

Parody

Lookmaxxing Seminar: Ascending After 70

Sat, Nov 7, 2026 · 10:00 AM (early-bird buffet at 4:00 PM) · Palm Beach Senior Center, Ballroom B

You've spent decades building a career. Now it's time to build a jawline. Our four-part curriculum:

• Softmaxxing: A haircut, some sunscreen, and a shirt that isn't from a 1994 golf tournament. Gymmaxxing session included. Chair yoga counts.
• Hardmaxxing: Covered only as a cautionary tale. Our guest cardiologist will spend 45 minutes explaining why the answer is “no.”
• Mewing: Rest your tongue on the roof of your mouth for a sharper jawline. Remove dentures first. Results not guaranteed, but you'll be very quiet at dinner.
• Bonesmashing: Cancelled. Replaced by a one-minute workshop titled “Please Don't Hit Yourself in the Face.”

Free PSL ratings at check-in. Last year every attendee scored sub5, including the judges, who then rated each other sub5. Complimentary mascara and eyeliner touch-ups at the door.

RSVP: not needed. It isn't real.

Parody

How to Marry Into Being a Millionaire

Sat, Nov 21, 2026 · 7:00 PM · The Yacht Club Parking Lot (we weren't let in)

An evening of strategy for the financially ambitious romantic, hosted by a “billionaire.” Topics include:

• Two Parallel Tracks: Keep your day job until the romance outgrows the necessity.
• Maroon 5 as a Love Language: Find a shared interest. Any shared interest. Even Adam Levine.
• Reading the Prenup: A full four-hour session. Bring reading glasses and a lawyer, ideally one who once ran for Attorney General.
• Ascension by Matrimony: Moving up in social status, one fancy dinner at a time. Ascending in looks is a separate seminar (see Nov 7).
• Softmaxx for Success: Nobody falls for a portfolio if you skipped skincare.
• Brass Tacks: Being a good boy, and why it is the only strategy that actually works.

RSVP: not needed. Neither is a net worth.

Parody

Mogging and You

Sat, Dec 5, 2026 · 2:00 PM · Camp Looksmax Overflow Tent

Being mogged is a part of life. Learning to mog back is an art. Breakout sessions:

• What Is a Chad? Genetically blessed, socially effortless, and never once mewing in public. Our keynote Chad cancelled because he was too busy being a Chad.
• Height Mogging: A frank discussion of lifts, posture, and standing on the bottom stair in group photos.
• Frame Mogging: Gymmaxxing for shoulders. Sweater vests are not shoulders.
• Moneymogging: When your face can't win, your 401(k) can. Results may vary for “billionaires.” Gambling your survival on it is not part of the plan.
• Getting Mogged Gracefully: What to do when a 19-year-old says your eyebrows are better than theirs. Say thank you.
• Mewing Q&A: Held in total silence, since everyone's tongue will be on the roof of their mouth.

Graduates leave with a certificate officially upgrading them from sub5 to “sub5, but confident.” Bonesmashing remains banned at all fan club events. Ice packs available at the front desk anyway.

RSVP: not needed. You've already been mogged by this page.